Chivalry: Bringing Sexy Back

 Some time ago, a friend of mine rather wittily quipped that chivalry is “bringing sexy back.” It made me laugh then. Now that I’m actually taking time to think about it, I’m realizing he was dead on. Why? Because I experienced chivalry… and it was the sexist thing ever. 

Picture this: a beautiful day, an old town, and hours to spend with a good friend I hadn’t seen in a while. That was all I was expecting when I made plans with this guy, and I was stoked. I was slightly embarrassed when he insisted on paying for everything all day. I was touched when he ordered my drink for me. I tried so hard not to bump into him or trip over him as he stood aside to let me go through every doorway first. I appreciated the fact that he always put himself between me and the street. All day, he did so many little chivalrous things that made me feel like a lady that I lost count. And the best part is that I knew he wasn’t doing it to get anything out of it. He wasn't doing it to woo me. He was simply treating me the way he treats every young lady in his company. Yeah, I about melted by the end of that day. 

Webster defines “sexy” as “sexually suggestive or stimulating” or “generally attractive or interesting”. He uses the synonyms “erotic” and “appealing”. I don’t know about you, but when I think of “erotic” or “sexually stimulating” things, I usually feel like I need to go to confession. But wait! Erotic comes from the Greek word "eros", which means romantic love, which can be a totally ordered, non-sinful, beautiful love! And sexuality means who a person is as a man or a woman… so couldn’t we paraphrase to make sexy mean something that encourages a person to be who they are as a man or a woman? When I hear “sexy” I think it must be something scandalous… and I’m coming to realize that there is nothing more scandalous to the world than ordered humanity, including love and sexuality. 

Now that I’ve clarified what we mean by sexy, I think it follows quite logically that chivalry is incredibly sexy. When I was with a chivalrous man, I felt more feminine than I had in a long time (and when you wear scrubs, camo, or running gear about 90% of the time, feeling feminine is a rare treat.) In other words, I felt encouraged to be who I am as a woman. Sexy can also just mean generally attractive/appealing. Tell me you weren’t sucked in, “attracted” if you will, by my anecdote. Chivalry gets attention, it draws positive interest. Yeah, I find the idea of spending more time with a chivalrous guy appealing. (Even though letting a guy pay for me is still really hard. I admit I try to think of things to do that don’t cost money. But I digress.) Finding chivalry sexy doesn’t even necessarily have to mean that a romantic attachment (or high hopes of a romantic attachment) is involved. Chivalry makes the statement “it is good that you exist as a woman.” And that is very sexy.

To my men out there who might be a little nervous to be chivalrous, I hope this gives you just a little more encouragement to stick your neck out. As long as you treat women with equal chivalry, you don’t have to worry about leading them on. If you do have feelings for a girl, chivalry might be a means to get her attention. Once you have her attention, it’s best to just be up front and honest about those types of things rather than dishing out ambiguous acts of chivalry. 

 

To my women, I pose a challenge and a question. First, the challenge: build up every man you encounter who acts with chivalry. Encourage him. Make a big deal about it. Because it’s awesome. Now the challenge: can you think of a female character trait that complements chivalry, put a name to it, and give it a good description? I’m working on it, and could use a little help.

An Apology to Men

“I can do anything you can do!”

 I don’t remember the first time I heard a woman assert this to a man, and I’ve lost count of the times I’ve heard it since. When I was younger, I would silently pump my fist in agreement at statements like this and proceed to find ways to prove I was just as strong as and much smarter than any other boy I was playing with. Now, however, I cringe at such outlandish proclamations and silently facepalm. 

Recently, my dad and I were talking about men and woman. The conversation took an interesting turn when he burst out: “The solution isn’t for men to be more manly, because they’ll just be shot down. Men are tired of trying. They’ve given up.” In our efforts to prove that we are as good as men (which is true, we’re all created good) we have gotten off track and instead have attempted to prove that we are the same as men. If my dad is to be believed (and I’ve always found his insights on the masculine heart/mind reliable), men get tired of acting like men when women try to be men. We’ve shot ourselves in the foot, because in trying to get treated better by men, we’ve only succeeded in doing worse. Yes, ladies. Chivalry is dead. And we killed it. And I, for one, am sorry.

Fortunately, I do believe chivalry can be resurrected. I have seen the spark of life return to chivalry in some courageous men who have not taken my crap (pardon the English (French is too beautiful a language to classify bad words as such)). These men open doors, pay for checks (despite many protests and arm-wrestling matches), stand between me and danger, and go out of their way to make my life easier, simply because they are men and I am a woman. You know who you are, and I commend you, sirs. However, if chivalry is truly to resurrect, we cannot only rely on these few stubborn, good-hearted men to revive it. This would be like allowing two rescuers to continue doing CPR on someone instead of taking that person to a hospital and correcting the problem, if you’ll allow the medical metaphor. No, we all must step up, especially women. There is much to be done, and it’s a complex problem that will take more than one act of true masculinity/true femininity to correct. But how do we begin? I propose beginning with an apology to men.

My dear brothers in Christ, I would like to apologize on behalf of myself (and the rest of the female population, if they consent). We have emasculated you in many ways, some subtle some not so subtle, and I am so very sorry. I personally have lost count of how many times I have given a man grief for trying to pay for a check, asserted myself as stronger and/or smarter than a man, or flat out ignored a show of chivalry for fear of being vulnerable. Men, you have been put down, ignored, and manipulated by women. Words cannot undo the damage, but they are the only place to start. I would ask that you graciously give us a second chance to respond with true femininity to your true masculinity. I know you are gracious and forgiving fellows, as I have been the happy recipient of masculine graciousness many times over in my life. (Again, men, I hope you know who you are and receive the thanks.) From this point on, I am going to amend my ways, check my tongue, and be ready to praise even the smallest act of chivalry.

It’s not much, but it’s a start. So this is where I will leave off for now.

For more ways on respecting those great men out there: